I woke up and quietly made my first cup of coffee (yes I usually have at least two, sometimes three cups) and snuck out to my oasis.
Before you get all excited, I should warn you, it’s my back patio. My little getaway or staycation. LOL.
Praying he doesn’t hear me stirring in the kitchen . . .
“Crystallllll”, and there it is, the dreaded sound I am trying to escape. (Ugly thought, I know)
I holler back, “Whattttt?”
And he asks for a cup of coffee. I make it and take it to his nurse, all the while asking myself, who is this person that I have become? Selfish. Ungrateful. Frustrated. Ugly. Not me. Not good enough. Need to be better.
I reflect on those moments and shame starts to fill me. Those emotions I was feeling were foreign to me and I hate myself now for feeling them. Let’s be real though, I am human. I am not perfect. I am full of sin, living in a sinful world that is filled with nothing but other sinful humans. I’m not making excuses. I’m making statements of truth. I realized that I am better than no one. That I have my own forms of sin, or struggles, or vices, whatever name we each have given the things in our life that make us innately human, and without Jesus’ redeeming sacrifice, initially unworthy of God’s love.
Because Jesus Christ did what God wanted him to do, we are all purified from sin by the offering that he made of his own body once and for all.
You see, my husband’s oldest boy, now 21, is a quadriplegic. He is on a ventilator 24 hours a day, has a tracheostomy, 24 hour nursing care, and needs assistance with just about everything. I assist his nursing staff in meeting his needs and mother him as much as he will allow, LOL. I mean, after all he is a 21 year old male. He doesn’t always want my mothering, but he graciously accepts it and I love him dearly and am grateful for his accepting me into his life and trusting me .
Somewhere in the last couple of years I had lost or stepped away from my gracious Daddy and all I know He says I am. I had started to allow the world to influence my thoughts about myself and therefore, my behaviors.
I am a firm believer in divine appointments, that He works all things for the good of those who love Him, according to His plans and purposes. I have seen His faithfulness, and know full well exactly how blessed I am.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:28 (NLT)
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God–
Ephesians 2:8 (NIV)
I cannot lie, I have days that I struggle with the flesh monster in me. I know who God made me to be and I know He is at work in me. I desire to do His will but my flesh and my spirit are at war constantly and that keeps me humble, knowing I am human and not perfect.
I could tell you I work in a terrible environment and never see my husband, nor have time for my younger children, or a life of my own, but I would be lying through my teeth.
I get to be at home. I get to spend more time with God. I see my husband every evening, and he is a great help, even after working all day in the heat. I get more time with our children. I can cook homemade meals. We have phenomenal spiritual family who encourage us and walk life with us daily. Our bills are paid. We just bought our first home. I could go on for days.
See this season that I am in has me grappling with myself. My pride wants to take over and be elated at where we are and how well I am managing in my current situation with the ex-wife visiting our home, a disabled adult son who lives with us, coping with the changes in my youngest kiddos’ lives, and the fact that my life is no longer my own. Truly though, what I am having revealed to me is that my life has never been my own and so long as I’m working at the purposes He created me for and drawing on His strength, I will not grow weary.
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)
See I have had to learn to love myself in spite of my faults and failings because He does. I cannot love others this way if I don’t love myself this way. We are called to love all of His children. Not some. Not just the poor. Not just the rich. Not just the children. Not just the healthy and emotionally stable. Not just the broken and needy. ALL. We are all made in His image.
I’ve got to get the focus off of me and aim my searching light back on Him.
When I take time to recount my blessings, review my shortcomings, and consider from where God has brought me, my complaints, grumblings, and self-centered musings disappear from sight. We truly have so much more to be grateful for than we take the time to acknowledge. I’ve learned that if I keep my searchlight aimed in the right direction then I can see that God is working in me to grow me up, mold me, and shape me.
Throughout all of this I have come to desire a time each day to self-reflect. During this time I try to see myself through my Father’s eyes. This helps me to see everyone through God’s eyes and pour out His grace as it floods over me. It strengthens in me the desire to do His will and at the same time remember that He is the source of my strength for accomplishing such supernatural goals.
Let me know what you feel God is working on in you. Drop me a comment. Have you felt distraught, worn-out, or ashamed about something you’ve done or thought or felt? You are not alone. I look forward to hearing from you.